What you don't know...

...hurts. 

Yes, I'm talking about physical pain. 

I haven't been posting around here lately, and I don't really have a good reason. Things are pretty awesome now that I'm in school and (sorta) loving it. (Don't get me wrong: there's nowhere I'd rather be, but it's kinda intense, day-to-day.) Plus, there's the boy. He's pretty cool, too. 

But back to something else. Because that's not so cool. 

September 9-15 is Invisible Illness Awareness Week. I'd bet a lot of real money that most, if not all, of you didn't know that. I didn't know that until this year, either, but I'm well aware now. Why? Because for at least the last year, I've been dealing with an Invisible Illness that, as of now, is undiagnosed. 

Well, that's actually not true. I do have one diagnosis: Raynaud's phenomenon. Basically, that means the blood vessels in my hands and feet and sometimes my nose overreact when I'm cold, so my extremities start turning funny colors, get cold, stiff, and numb, and then when the feeling comes back and blood returns, it's painful. It's also annoying, both on its own and because it can be a symptom of other diseases. The other diseases are what I have no answers about, though. 

I don't talk about this much because there's not really anything to talk about, and not many people understand. If you want to get a glimpse, though, I did find this: 

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is:  Raynaud's phenomenon (and?)...
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:  2013.
3. But I had symptoms since:  2012, plus joint pain since at least 1998.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:  Dealing with the emotional aspects of medical mysteries.
5. Most people assume:  Since I run, I must be perfectly healthy.
6. The hardest part about mornings are:  Not knowing what the day will bring.
7. My favorite medical TV show is:  I actually have no idea. I used to love them but don't get those channels now.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:  My foam roller. 
9. The hardest part about nights are:  Falling asleep, either too early or not until much too late.
10. Each day I take _3_ pills & vitamins. Sometimes more. (No comments.) 
11. Regarding alternative treatments I:  Wish I knew what to try.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:  Anything I could identify.
13. Regarding working and career:  I'm determined to make it to tenure, but using a computer mouse hurts some days. I hope I can write and publish like I want to. 
14. People would be surprised to know:  Working out both helps and hurts, and it's hard to know which days will be which.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:  Acknowledging that I can't have all the answers.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:  ...I'm not sure yet, but some days I'm surprised I run. Mostly, though, I'm surprised that this Type-A can deal with the unpredictability. 
17. The commercials about my illness:  Are non-existent. 
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  Holding hands. 
19. It was really hard to have to give up:  The idea that I'm healthier than I've ever been.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:  Freelance editing.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:  Remain thankful for all I have and have learned.
22. My illness has taught me:  I can't control everything.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:  That the symptoms of A are X, Y, and Z. Symptoms vary, folks. 
24. But I love it when people:  Try to understand that there's a struggle inside of here.
25. My favorite motto/scripture/quote that gets me through tough times is:  "You're not crazy. I believe you."
26. When someone is diagnosed, I’d like to tell them:  Find someone who wants to listen and then don't give them up.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:  Some days can be just fine and others can bring you to tears...and you may never be able to tell which will be which. 
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was:  To just let me cry.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:  No one should have to feel alone. 
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:  Heard...and therefore just a little better. 

Thanks for listening. It's going to be really hard to click "Publish" on this one, but I appreciate that even a couple people might be willing to read... :-\

Race Review: Capitol Hill 10K

I've never done a race recap before, and this one isn't really going to be so much about the race itself as is typical, so... 

Forewarning. 

Also, be forewarned that this isn't really a happy post. Oh how I wish it were, but it's not. Much of it was composed in my head during the race, and for those who know how messy the inside of my head can get...well, you can guess how these words are going to tumble onto this page. 

---

So, Kyle and I signed up for the Capitol Hill Classic 10K probably two months back, pre-boot. We both thought this race would be no big deal. We'd add some distance to the usual #mallmornings routine and get in a good 6.2 before the heat really kicks in...

Au contraire. 

Da boot came into our lives one Monday morning. Luckily, it also went away, 6 weeks later (albeit not without significant annoyance, but that's her story to tell, not mine). 

During the boot saga, though, I've also been experiencing a saga of my own...one that hasn't yet peaked nor gone by the wayside. It's not a new story, but the thinking about it is. The way I get in my head, this should come as no surprise, but there's stuff going on in there that's about as annoying as da boot. 

I should start by telling a little backstory, though:

• I started running by completing a C25K, which will be three years ago this summer. 
• For the first two years, I had ZERO desire to run more than 3 miles at a time. 
• During the fall of 2011 and spring of 2012, I gradually increased my distance, mostly out of boredom and curiosity. I wanted to see whether I could.
• On September 22, 2012, I ran my first half-marathon. 

The timing of all this was perfect for me. I felt incredible, and even though I haven't raced a lot since the half (just a handful of races this spring, mostly for financial reasons), I've been happy with my training. 

As it turns out, all was not right with my training. Some of the things I had chalked up as workout-induced aches and pains = not normal.

---

I'm not particularly enthused about re-hashing the details of this weekend's race. 

I was recovering from a cold, but more than that, I spent a lot of time thinking during this race, which is generally a bad, bad thing. I thought about when I started running and how good it made me feel. I thought about how once I finally cranked up the distance and found a new challenge, I was so very excited. And then I thought about today's race.

I just didn't want to be there. And...it hurt, in more ways than one.

Despite the misty rain (which I generally love) and the water that came out my nose (super attractive, I know), I just found zero humor in the situation. It wasn't fun anymore. 

The rest of the race was mostly me battling myself not to quit. I thought of Heather's DNF post, though, and didn't. There were some awesome high-fivers ahead, and I gave myself the runner thumbs-up. I thought of Boston. And then I thought about the fact that three years ago, I couldn't have done this. 

But I still felt...

"Pretty much my body has been feeling like it's falling apart, and I've been upset and frustrated constantly about it." --Juli

Eventually, over an hour after I crossed the starting line, I crossed the finish. I didn't feel well, and I still don't feel good about this race, but it's done. I crossed both lines.

Hopefully soon, I'll cross more lines and climb some barriers, too. Because I want to keep doing this and make it something I love again. 

<3 KSM

Luck.

It's late, but I basically wanted to log in because I keep having the same thought over and over again, and maybe if I publish it, I'll be able to sleep. Well...probably not, actually, because it's been the same thought over and over all week...but I digress. I also feel like this post is weak without some intonation, but please insert inflection, sound effects, and sad puppy dog eyes as you see fit. I'm sure all you out there can manage.

Anyway, I think the jist is this:

I'm just 
SO.
DARN.
LUCKY.

In
SO.
VERY.
MANY.
ways.

I almost can't stand it
because I am unworthy.

Even so, my good fortune has made me feel like a million bucks recently, and it seems I've done nothing to either invite or keep hold of it. That effortless fortune, friends, is known as "luck."

Okay, that feels better.


<3 KSM

Tonight.

Did you ever have one of those nights when
     there are so many good things
     and so many bad,
   and so little goes right
   but you know you're so damn lucky,
     and you take Excedrin with caffeine
     at 3am,
   then lie awake, sleepless
   with all the hope in the world,
     cause you've got so many reasons to smile
     but you're not sure anyone understands,
   then you remember you can write
   but that also means taking a risk,
     and you get going regardless
     forgetting anyone may read,
   then you just don't know what to say
   or whether to say anything at all?

Tonight's one of those nights.

The best part, though, is that if the first quarter - especially March - of 2013 is even an "okay" predictor of what's to come... You know that tomorrow's outlook is bright.

It's funny how some nights go.

<3 KSM

Busy, busy!

Alright, I know. I've been absent again.

I don't even have a good excuse other than things have been busy! With the commute, workdays are long, and the weekends have been just as busy! In lieu of telling you all this, though, I'm going to take a cue from Kyle and show you what the past couple weeks have been like...

An old friend inspired and motivated me to get back to the gym...where I evidently shed more clothes than I wear once inside...

[ Outside-to-Indoor Transition - 2/9/2013 ]

The next day, after having lifted weights, I ran a 5K with my new running buddy, Kyle...

[ Love the Run You're With 5K - 2/10/2013 ]

[ Love the Run You're With 5K - 2/10/2013 - Source: Kyle ]

Then...a busy week at work, intermixed with the Clarendon Mardi Gras parade!

[ Prepping Beads at Church - 2/10/2013 - Source: Stephen ]

[ 4700 beads in 1/2 a mile?! YES WE DID!!! - 2/12/2013 ]

This holiday weekend: more running...

[ Morning Mall Mileage with Kyle - 2/16/2013 ]

After which, I hit up the library, then walked from Ballston to Clarendon, where I stopped for...

[ NEW SHOES!!! - 2/16/2013 ]

The new shoe excitement was short-lived, though, because evidently the walk wasn't so healthy... Ended up bed-ridden on Sunday.

[ My Sunday: Tea, Vitamin C, and MMUN - 2/17/2013 ]

Feeling MUCH better today, though, and ready for the next adventure with Jenn...

[ Have a guess, and I'll fill you in more later! ]

More on THAT equipment later, once I'm completely addicted again! Also...MMUN this week!

Soooooo, that's where I've been. No excuses, just lots of stories to go along with fun times!


<3 KSM

Thirteen Reasons Why.

So I've been AWOL for a while. Hopefully you've been missing my insights? Anyway, I'm sure you'll be relieved to know there are 13 reasons why. Well, actually 14.

Reason 1: After 20-some posts, I needed a break. Step back, evaluate, and come back fresh. So here I am, sans regret. (Let's leave it at that for now, save I return to that topic later.)

Reason 2...through 14: I've been reading instead of writing. This isn't generally an either/or thing for me: I'm a writer through-and-through and have been since somewhere in middle school when the reading bug morphed into the writing bug. Anyway, a week or so back, I got sucked into a book I couldn't put down: Thirteen Reasons Why, by Jay Asher. And when I say I got sucked in, I mean SUCKED. IN. I mean, read-on-the-train-and-at-lunch-then-sit-in-your-cube-all-day-dying-to-know-what-happens-next.
So that's why I've been...away.

Luckily, I haven't been permanently away like the female protagonist of this book. Hannah Baker has committed suicide. (Yes, of course you find this out within the first few pages. No spoilers here!) Before she did it, however, she created a series of audio tapes that are mailed to a list of people who led to, reinforced, and otherwise impacted Hannah's decision to take her own life. Clay Jensen is one of the unlucky people on that list, and the book describes the night he spent exploring his town through Hannah's eyes.

I'm hesitant to review the book because I just don't think I can do it justice. There are many things I can say, but the author's voice (yes, WA-WM, people...the "six traits" live on!!) is probably the number one thing that kept me reading. Hannah and Clay speak so clearly that I felt as if I knew them. Moreover, while I know you all will probably think this is morbid...the book is hilarious. When an author can make a suicidal girl and the guy listening to her last words each funny, they're award-worthy in my mind.

If you doubt me or are even just curious, either trust me or check it out for yourself. I'll be reading his newer stuff very soon!

[ Source ]

One last thing: if you or someone you know may be thinking about suicide, please know there is help available, and there are people who care. I don't know who's reading my blog these days, so if you by chance got here because you or someone you know are thinking about suicide, tell someone. If that doesn't work, tell someone else. Please. If you'd prefer to talk anonymously, visit www.hopeline.com or call 1-800-SUICIDE anytime, day or night.


<3 KSM

Approval.

Sometimes it's difficult to make your own choices, but in other situations, what you want is very clear. In those times, I find that it's often what other people want that causes the difficulty.

People aren't always straightforward about what they take issue with, but just like a paper cut, it's the small comments that hurt the most: 

Are you sure that's the best idea?
     Absolutely.

Why don't you try it this way?
     Because this is the right way for me, and this is what I want to do.

So what if it doesn't work out?
     Then my dream crumbles. This might be the most important thing
     I've ever set out to do.

No, I'm not done yet: not even close. Yes, there's news to come. For now, though, know I'm happy out here, making a ton of memories and exploring NoVA and the rest of the DMV...and there are much, much bigger things to come. They're so close I can taste them, and to be honest, I don't really care about the naysayers. So if you want to offer something, maybe make it excitement, or at least encouragement.

Don't seek approval: seek what you want.


<3 KSM

What do you do?

That's right: I'm soliciting opinions. Or venting... I guess the difference depends upon whether you reply.

So this is a "What do you do?" scenario of the homeless person variety. Only...the person isn't a stranger. Not completely, at least.

There's a gentleman who attends my church who is, evidently, homeless. I've seen him twice now, at two different Metro stations near my apartment. Both times, just seeing him has bothered me pretty significantly, and I've found myself speechless. Those who know me know that while I may be quiet sometimes, I'm rarely speechless. I just don't know what, if anything, to do in this scenario. Should he recognize me (and even if he doesn't), I don't want to be the person who just ignores another person or, worse, nods but keeps walking. I suppose a quick greeting couldn't hurt, but it doesn't seem like enough.

Now, I don't know how to define what "enough" could be in this scenario: if I did, I wouldn't be conflicted. I know I can't take this man out of his life situation. I will certainly pray that his life situation gets better, in whatever way is most appropriate for him. It's the conflict between societal norms and social consciousness, though, that's giving me trouble. (Again.)

As always, any thoughts would be most sincerely appreciated. 


<3 KSM

Bulletproof.

♪♫  I'm sick and tired of your attitude...  ♫♪

It never fails to surprise me how selfish SO. MANY. PEOPLE. are. "Look out for #1" doesn't have to mean cutting down and walking all over the next person. Maybe I'm special (Thanks, Mom! You've done an amazing job raising us to be genuinely good people!), but I can do what I need to do for myself without hurting others...and I don't understand why others can't do the same.

For as intelligent a woman as I consider myself to be, I'm darn stupid sometimes. This happens ALL. THE. TIME.

♪♫  I told you I'm not bulletproof: now you know.  ♫♪


<3 KSM

Morning.

I came into the office an hour early this morning for no reason. I have hot coffee and a dim light, and it's silent. This could become a habit.

[ Old Town - 2/1/2013, 6:55am ]

Everything looks better in the morning. Glorious.

<3 KSM

3:30am.

This morning, I woke up at 3:30. It was completely unintentional, but you know what? After an hour of being frustrated, I got over the fact that I should be sleeping and just accepted that I wasn't, I was kind of glad to be awake. Here's why:

Things I did in the 16 hours between 4:30am and 8:30pm
     -- Peer reviewed an article for The Public Purpose
     -- Watched the 5am news in peace
     -- Packed lunch
     -- Got ready for work, commuted 45 minutes, worked 9 hours,
         commuted home (during which time I consumed ZERO caffeine)
     -- Stopped at Bakeshop for a treat because I was so awesomely
         productive at work today (if I may say so myself!)
     -- Made dinner
     -- Drafted this post

Clearly, this whole waking up early is not a new thing for me. One of many examples: yesterday, due to the ridiculousness of DC-area inclement weather management procedures, I was not due to go into work until two hours later than usual. I found this out at 10:30pm the evening before, so I set my alarm for an hour later than usual so I could (theoretically) catch a few extra zzzzz's but also get a few things done in the morning. I woke up 30 minutes before my usual alarm. What happened next, you ask? I baked scones, made some ridiculously delicious lemon ricotta blueberry pancakes, set the slow cooker for dinner, got ready extra slowly, and still got to work early.

This morning, when I was again up early, I was frustrated at first. An hour later, I got over the frustration and got productive. So here's the new plan: when I wake up less than 3 hours before I need to get up (REM cycles, people...), I will try to go back to sleep. If I don't get there within an hour, I'll get up and get some things done that I would otherwise have to do after work. My hope is that I'd be able to get an early bedtime the next night.

Good plan in theory, I think, but we'll see how it goes.






Oh, and one more quick thing, because I know this is getting long...

My blog is three weeks old today, and not to sound all stalk-tastic, but I know who some of you out there are. For the most part, I know these things because you've told me or we've talked about the topics I've covered. But can I just ask...where did the rest of you come from?!

Well actually, I know that, too:

Screenshot, 1/29/2013, 8:20pm -- WOW!!!

But honestly. What are you doing in Greece and Bangladesh, and how did you find my modest little blog? Of course, it's fine if you want to sit back and read from the shadows, but I just wanted y'all to know that (a) I'm glad you're here and (b) you've piqued my curiosity!

Have a great night, everybody, and may you sleep better than I do! :-P 


<3 KSM

Distance.

A dear friend's birthday today reminded me of one of my most and least favorite parts of adult life: distance. (Time, too.) Before this past Memorial Day weekend, I hadn't seen this particular friend for over four years. When we reconnected, it was like not a moment or mile had lapsed.

Similarly:

• I currently live just under 800 miles from the only house I knew until after I turned 24. When I moved, I left three of my best friends: the three women I shared that house with for all those years. Now, when I go back, it's like I never left.
• Two of my very best friends in the world live 1,176.6 mi (18 hrs) and 885.5 miles (13.75 hrs) away. For the first three years I knew them, we saw each other for a total of only 27 days...non-consecutively...and that's only if you count the days mostly consumed by late night and early morning flights. 
• Two more of my best friends are people who were first my teachers but who I have only since gotten the privilege of calling my friends. Now, they're even better friends than they ever were teachers - and believe you me, they were some of the best!
• I also have two best friends here in my new town who live a whopping 20.3 and 1.6 miles from me, respectively. We share and trust, and the fact that I've gotten close to each in less than a year makes no difference.

I know in my heart that moving away from home was the best decision I've ever made. It makes going back that much sweeter, and I have grown in ways I cannot even begin to describe here. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and for me, distance has been part of the journey.

For that reason, my advice to all is this: Get out. Explore. But don't forget to hold your friends and family close, nor to take the time to go back home every once in a while. The return is what makes it all worth it.


<3 KSM

"Today would've been."

Today would've been
a day of
celebration,
joy,
endurance,
love.

But instead of
staying stuck
on what
today would've been,
focus
on what
today really is
and what
tomorrow could be.

<3 KSM

Home.

The Midwest, and Wisconsin in particular, has always been home. Even this past summer, I told a new friend that maybe I'd probably stay here in the DMV for a couple years post-grad but then head back. I truly believed that, and I wanted my permanent career and my own family to be in the Midwest.

Six months later, I'm not so sure. This place I came to because I was so frustrated with the stagnant scenario in the suburbs of Milwaukee has become dear to me. It surely lacks the charm and kindness inherent in my hometown, but this new city has its own appeal. I'm often intrigued by the wildly successful and ambitious people here - both those I know and those I haven't yet met. I still love to explore the new places I haven't seen yet and make new memories in this crazy place, even though it's sometimes hard to navigate. I love the moments when, in the flurry of daily activity, I stumble across the slightest bit of Southern Charm, be it in a big porch swing or a horse in the back of a truck.

You thought I was kidding?!
[ King St, Old Town Alexandria, 01/12/2013 ]

Anyway, I'm coming up on 2.5 years of living in the DMV, and I've never loved it more. Sure, it's got its own variety of quirks and annoyances...and its #novaproblems, though many of those are actually #wmataproblems, #dcproblems, and #firstworldsmartwhitegirlproblems. But when it really comes down to it, if you're going to have problems, these are the best ones to have.

Of course, there will always be things to miss about home. I miss my family and friends, the Friday Fish Fry, Sunday hot ham and rolls, and Packer Parties, but the beauty of it all is that I can always go back. I'm 793.1 miles from home, not 7000...and even if it were 7000 miles, I'm from the first world, so I could book a flight and be home the next day. The fact that you can take the girl away from home but you can never take the home out of or permanently away from her is perhaps what I like best about life.

So for now, and maybe for quite a while longer, I choose to stay in NoVA. Sure, I'll have to inject some Midwestern Charm into my life and friends here, but it'll be worth it. Besides...even if the Midwest is always home, I'm starting to think you really can find and make a second home that feels like the first.


<3 KSM

The way I see it.

Many times, I think I see things differently than others do. From dating to careers and socially appropriate communication limits to what constitutes "fun" on Saturday nights, I'm fairly sure my mind just works differently. Again, this is for better and for worse.

I'm not sure if others notice this on a regular basis, but I often do. It happens in everyday conversations with friends and colleagues, when people say things I just don't agree with, either on principle or in context. I guess I just perceive things differently, and I wonder where it comes from. Yesterday, I told Mom she did too good of a job - that she raised me too well - so now I feel guilty too easily for letting others down or putting myself before the team. While it's true that Mom's to blame, I can't really fault her for it, either...

Thanks, Mom, for making me conscientious and selfless. That part's definitely the "better" part.


<3 KSM

Yesterday and today.

Some of you may have noticed (I hope) that I didn't write yesterday.

I didn't know what I wanted to say, so I said nothing. That was a good and probably intelligent choice. I wish I had made the same decision on a related topic today, but I just can't keep my mouth shut sometimes. Just as I'm "slow to trust, but I'm quick to love," I'm also tough to quiet or settle down once I get worked up. This is for better and for worse.

Today I'm even less sure what to say.

Life's like that sometimes.


<3 KSM

Public.

Put up a front.
Build a facade.
Wear a mask.

It bothers me the way people are different in public than they are in private. I don't mean in appearance or personality, really, but in the way they relate to others. I'm tempted to think that the reason there are so many ways to talk about this concept is because of the frequency with which people do it. Now, I know that sounds pessimistic, but I honestly wonder if it might be true.

I think there are often unspoken rules between individuals that the two have a different relationship in private than in public. To an extent, I can understand and accept this. Sometimes other people just don’t understand, and sometimes it's for the better. I tend to think this is the exception rather than the rule, though. Sometimes it's just plain unfortunate, wherein the scenario plays out because of public perception and reputation issues. It’s like high school all over again, and the consequence is that people get hurt.

There's probably not a solution to fix this, but it concerns me. Perhaps most frightening, though, is the question it brings about, though: how many of our friends do we really know?

Music and lyrics.

I've thought before about writing music.

Now let's be real: I haven't played an instrument since the fifth grade, and to say I even played then is a stretch. (Um, you'd have to practice, so...) Similarly, my voice isn't half-bad, but as much as I may love my music, I'm certainly no musician. So naturally I want to write music. Needless to say, this has never worked out.

Why, you ask?

Because for as many topics I come up with to write about here and in my other projects, I cannot come up with even one semi-original lyric. Basically I write mash-ups of my favorite songs, which isn't really going to get me anywhere.

So why do I post this?

Not sure, really. All I can say is that this post was inspired by this picture prompt (Do forgive: a girl can't just be inspired all the time...):

[ Source ]

Mostly, though, I think I write this because I'd love to be able to produce the lyrics that express what I can't say...

I'm telling you that, it's never that bad / 

Take it from someone who's been where you're at
Laid out on the floor / 

And you're not sure you can take this anymore

[[ Nickelback - Lullaby ]]

And all my walls stood tall painted blue / 

And I'll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you

[[ Taylor Swift - Everything Has Changed ]]

Yeah, I'm falling from cloud nine (it was out of the blue) /
I'm crashing from the high /
You know I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)

[[ Katy Perry - Wide Awake ]] 

Sometimes I wonder if you wonder /
What it could have been like /
When you're sitting there drinking coffee /
Are you thinking of me

[[ Carrie Underwood - Do You Think About Me ]] 

This downtown apartment sure makes me miss home /
And those bills there on the counter /
Keep telling me I'm on my own / 

...Yeah, I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be /
But don't forget to remember me

[[ Carrie Underwood - Don't Forget to Remember Me ]] 

And oh yeah... Don't judge me based on my music. Mmmkay? Thanks.


<3 KSM

These past several weeks.

This past week has been fantastic. I feel much more like myself, and in realizing that fact, I'd like to offer an explanation. That said, listen up.



For 15 weeks between October and January, I was out of work. I learned a lot in that time and needed the ego check, so I'm thankful for the experience - in retrospect, of course. From the beginning, though, the whole concept rattled me to the core. So much of each of our identities lies in what we do for work, and, for most people, the majority of waking hours are spent at or commuting to and from a job. I've found this to be especially true in The DMV (DC-Maryland-Virginia), and having graduated recently made it all the more obvious. Imagine: "I just graduated with my master's degree, and all day long I sit on my couch writing cover letters while half-listening to daytime TV." Um, yeah. Lovely. Despite the fact that I had accepted a great opportunity to work in a project-based position over the summer, I felt like a complete loser. It was damaging to my self-esteem, and that fact alone negatively impacted some of my relationships, especially with those who were geographically nearby and forced to deal with this version of me.

For 7 weeks in November and December, I didn't talk to a friend who had become a staple in my life and was indescribably important to me. During the same time as I felt professionally lost, I became socially confused and emotionally dependent. I felt like I could have written that old lyric: "I was a dreamer before you went and let me down..." As much as I consider myself to be an independent young woman, I missed just having that friend to count on. I censored conversations with family and friends, and I hated what the change did to me. As much as I wished it weren't so, I knew I was no longer the bubbly, happy, sarcastically funny girl I had previously known myself to be.

For almost 3 weeks now, things have been on the upswing. The transition from 12/31/2012 to 01/01/2013 was more than just the turning of a calendar page. I consciously adopted a new perspective, a brighter outlook, and a positive attitude. With the new year, the United States did not fall off the (fictitious) fiscal cliff, and (as a result) job prospects picked up. I endured three interview opportunities during the first full week of the year and accepted a new position that is unique and challenging and allows me to make a tangible difference in people's lives. In short, brighter outlook coupled with renewed faith has led to a new, very fitting job, rekindled relationships, and...significantly fewer tears.



I will never get those weeks between October and January back, but the lessons learned during that time will stay with me:

1. Be open - to change, to possibilities, and in your communications and relationships. 
2. When you think things can't get worse, they can. A positive attitude goes a long way in making them feel easier, though. 
3. Work hard, especially when you don't want to, and you will be rewarded.
4. Faith conquers all - even love. 

These past several weeks have been some of the best and worst of my life, but I wouldn't change any of them for anything. Endless thanks to those of you who stuck by even the regrettable versions of me.

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<3 KSM

Insomnia.

I haven't slept well these last few nights. I think it's because once you become a writer - I mean really devote yourself to it - the ideas just keep coming. It's like a manic state, wherein you just can't "calm the eff down." Part of me (um...the sleep-deprived part) wishes I could - says the girl who hates to be told to calm down.

Case in point: the other morning, after falling asleep on the couch at 8pm, then retiring to my bed around 10pm and sleeping til 8am, it was still physically difficult to get out of bed. Exhaustion had set in, and I had to get a handle on this insanely amazing, yet annoyingly uncontrollable creativity.

That was a week ago, and I still haven't quite figured out the best solution. I'm starting to not care, though: let the creativity take over. I think maybe such is the life of a writer.