Thirteen Reasons Why.

So I've been AWOL for a while. Hopefully you've been missing my insights? Anyway, I'm sure you'll be relieved to know there are 13 reasons why. Well, actually 14.

Reason 1: After 20-some posts, I needed a break. Step back, evaluate, and come back fresh. So here I am, sans regret. (Let's leave it at that for now, save I return to that topic later.)

Reason 2...through 14: I've been reading instead of writing. This isn't generally an either/or thing for me: I'm a writer through-and-through and have been since somewhere in middle school when the reading bug morphed into the writing bug. Anyway, a week or so back, I got sucked into a book I couldn't put down: Thirteen Reasons Why, by Jay Asher. And when I say I got sucked in, I mean SUCKED. IN. I mean, read-on-the-train-and-at-lunch-then-sit-in-your-cube-all-day-dying-to-know-what-happens-next.
So that's why I've been...away.

Luckily, I haven't been permanently away like the female protagonist of this book. Hannah Baker has committed suicide. (Yes, of course you find this out within the first few pages. No spoilers here!) Before she did it, however, she created a series of audio tapes that are mailed to a list of people who led to, reinforced, and otherwise impacted Hannah's decision to take her own life. Clay Jensen is one of the unlucky people on that list, and the book describes the night he spent exploring his town through Hannah's eyes.

I'm hesitant to review the book because I just don't think I can do it justice. There are many things I can say, but the author's voice (yes, WA-WM, people...the "six traits" live on!!) is probably the number one thing that kept me reading. Hannah and Clay speak so clearly that I felt as if I knew them. Moreover, while I know you all will probably think this is morbid...the book is hilarious. When an author can make a suicidal girl and the guy listening to her last words each funny, they're award-worthy in my mind.

If you doubt me or are even just curious, either trust me or check it out for yourself. I'll be reading his newer stuff very soon!

[ Source ]

One last thing: if you or someone you know may be thinking about suicide, please know there is help available, and there are people who care. I don't know who's reading my blog these days, so if you by chance got here because you or someone you know are thinking about suicide, tell someone. If that doesn't work, tell someone else. Please. If you'd prefer to talk anonymously, visit www.hopeline.com or call 1-800-SUICIDE anytime, day or night.


<3 KSM

Approval.

Sometimes it's difficult to make your own choices, but in other situations, what you want is very clear. In those times, I find that it's often what other people want that causes the difficulty.

People aren't always straightforward about what they take issue with, but just like a paper cut, it's the small comments that hurt the most: 

Are you sure that's the best idea?
     Absolutely.

Why don't you try it this way?
     Because this is the right way for me, and this is what I want to do.

So what if it doesn't work out?
     Then my dream crumbles. This might be the most important thing
     I've ever set out to do.

No, I'm not done yet: not even close. Yes, there's news to come. For now, though, know I'm happy out here, making a ton of memories and exploring NoVA and the rest of the DMV...and there are much, much bigger things to come. They're so close I can taste them, and to be honest, I don't really care about the naysayers. So if you want to offer something, maybe make it excitement, or at least encouragement.

Don't seek approval: seek what you want.


<3 KSM

What do you do?

That's right: I'm soliciting opinions. Or venting... I guess the difference depends upon whether you reply.

So this is a "What do you do?" scenario of the homeless person variety. Only...the person isn't a stranger. Not completely, at least.

There's a gentleman who attends my church who is, evidently, homeless. I've seen him twice now, at two different Metro stations near my apartment. Both times, just seeing him has bothered me pretty significantly, and I've found myself speechless. Those who know me know that while I may be quiet sometimes, I'm rarely speechless. I just don't know what, if anything, to do in this scenario. Should he recognize me (and even if he doesn't), I don't want to be the person who just ignores another person or, worse, nods but keeps walking. I suppose a quick greeting couldn't hurt, but it doesn't seem like enough.

Now, I don't know how to define what "enough" could be in this scenario: if I did, I wouldn't be conflicted. I know I can't take this man out of his life situation. I will certainly pray that his life situation gets better, in whatever way is most appropriate for him. It's the conflict between societal norms and social consciousness, though, that's giving me trouble. (Again.)

As always, any thoughts would be most sincerely appreciated. 


<3 KSM

Small children.

I realized today that another characteristic of my perfect storyline is that it contains small children. (Well, at least when I write it.) Maybe they're a testament to the kiddos who've grown up before my eyes and those no longer close by...and the ones who claim both of those characteristics. Regardless, the little girl in this tale is fictional. She's an element of my imagination who's stuck with me through a couple years' worth of stories but who originally came to me, I think, in a dream and who I've gotten to "know" pretty well.

       "What if I call you Ella?" I asked the little curly-haired blonde cuddled up beside me. 
       "Like the movie?!" she asked, excitedly.
       "What do you mean?" I almost regretted that I had to ask, but I just wasn't sure what Daniella was talking about.
       "Ella 'Chanted, silly!" she exclaimed, as if this were the most ridiculous question she'd ever heard. I considered the response but nothing came to mind.
       "I haven't seen that one, Daniella. Is it your favorite?"
       "Yessssssss, silly. Daddy got it for me for my birthday!" Again it was clear that this was the most ridiculous conversation she had ever had. Before I knew it, the four-year-old had leapt off the couch and begun scrambling up the stairs toward her play room. I knew we were about to watch the movie, so I began looking around for the remote control, and before I could retrieve it from the end table, Daniella was running back down the stairs, her speed and excitement nearly causing her to stumble over the bunnies on her purple footie pajamas. "This one!"
       "Well I haven't seen that one. Do you want to show me?" I asked, sure I knew the response.
       "Really?! Yes! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?!"
       "Alright, we can watch before bed as long as we rest and don't bounce around," I offered. "The tray is open, so go set it in there gently."
       "Okie dokie," she said with a grin, already halfway to the DVD player. Once she had the disc set, I pressed the tray close button and waited for the disc menu to load. "You look like her," Daniella told me, pointing at Anne Hathaway's picture on the front of her Ella Enchanted DVD case.
       "Thank you, Ella," I laughed as we snuggled in for the night.

Prepare to be graced by this little girl every so often: she made the book cut.


<3 KSM

Bulletproof.

♪♫  I'm sick and tired of your attitude...  ♫♪

It never fails to surprise me how selfish SO. MANY. PEOPLE. are. "Look out for #1" doesn't have to mean cutting down and walking all over the next person. Maybe I'm special (Thanks, Mom! You've done an amazing job raising us to be genuinely good people!), but I can do what I need to do for myself without hurting others...and I don't understand why others can't do the same.

For as intelligent a woman as I consider myself to be, I'm darn stupid sometimes. This happens ALL. THE. TIME.

♪♫  I told you I'm not bulletproof: now you know.  ♫♪


<3 KSM

Morning.

I came into the office an hour early this morning for no reason. I have hot coffee and a dim light, and it's silent. This could become a habit.

[ Old Town - 2/1/2013, 6:55am ]

Everything looks better in the morning. Glorious.

<3 KSM

3:30am.

This morning, I woke up at 3:30. It was completely unintentional, but you know what? After an hour of being frustrated, I got over the fact that I should be sleeping and just accepted that I wasn't, I was kind of glad to be awake. Here's why:

Things I did in the 16 hours between 4:30am and 8:30pm
     -- Peer reviewed an article for The Public Purpose
     -- Watched the 5am news in peace
     -- Packed lunch
     -- Got ready for work, commuted 45 minutes, worked 9 hours,
         commuted home (during which time I consumed ZERO caffeine)
     -- Stopped at Bakeshop for a treat because I was so awesomely
         productive at work today (if I may say so myself!)
     -- Made dinner
     -- Drafted this post

Clearly, this whole waking up early is not a new thing for me. One of many examples: yesterday, due to the ridiculousness of DC-area inclement weather management procedures, I was not due to go into work until two hours later than usual. I found this out at 10:30pm the evening before, so I set my alarm for an hour later than usual so I could (theoretically) catch a few extra zzzzz's but also get a few things done in the morning. I woke up 30 minutes before my usual alarm. What happened next, you ask? I baked scones, made some ridiculously delicious lemon ricotta blueberry pancakes, set the slow cooker for dinner, got ready extra slowly, and still got to work early.

This morning, when I was again up early, I was frustrated at first. An hour later, I got over the frustration and got productive. So here's the new plan: when I wake up less than 3 hours before I need to get up (REM cycles, people...), I will try to go back to sleep. If I don't get there within an hour, I'll get up and get some things done that I would otherwise have to do after work. My hope is that I'd be able to get an early bedtime the next night.

Good plan in theory, I think, but we'll see how it goes.






Oh, and one more quick thing, because I know this is getting long...

My blog is three weeks old today, and not to sound all stalk-tastic, but I know who some of you out there are. For the most part, I know these things because you've told me or we've talked about the topics I've covered. But can I just ask...where did the rest of you come from?!

Well actually, I know that, too:

Screenshot, 1/29/2013, 8:20pm -- WOW!!!

But honestly. What are you doing in Greece and Bangladesh, and how did you find my modest little blog? Of course, it's fine if you want to sit back and read from the shadows, but I just wanted y'all to know that (a) I'm glad you're here and (b) you've piqued my curiosity!

Have a great night, everybody, and may you sleep better than I do! :-P 


<3 KSM