Fear and vulnerability.

I'll just be up-front about it: I know no greater fear than vulnerability. There's something about putting yourself out there that's inherently somewhat unnerving and, at least to me, scary. I don't think I'm alone in this.

As a writer, I put myself out there quite a bit, and this blog has helped make the prospect of writing for an audience less intimidating. Still, I hide behind the relative anonymity of the internet: that is, I don't know exactly who constitutes my audience, and I find that comforting.

In life more generally, we all have to expose ourselves sometimes (though hopefully not literally!). Perhaps the hardest of these challenges lies in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with one another. This is perhaps my greatest fear.

When we invest time and energy in others, sometimes we profit in the form of new friends and better relationships of all kinds. Other times, we get burned. If being burned once is painful, I'll attest to enduring countless-upon-countless pains in my 26 years. I hypothesize that it never gets easier but hope to never test the theory. Still, I know it'll happen.

So why risk it?

The payoff. The potential benefit weighs all the potential pain every single time. Like an inmate holding out hope for release, as much as the hope and potential disappointment both hurt, they might always be in conflict because the potential payoff is worth the painful price.

Leaving myself vulnerable in writing and relationships and career and...daily life (more on those last two later) will always be scary as hell but also always worth the risk. The potential for payoff is there: I feel it.

I'm still working on it all. Work with me.

<3 KSM

Tonight.

Did you ever have one of those nights when
     there are so many good things
     and so many bad,
   and so little goes right
   but you know you're so damn lucky,
     and you take Excedrin with caffeine
     at 3am,
   then lie awake, sleepless
   with all the hope in the world,
     cause you've got so many reasons to smile
     but you're not sure anyone understands,
   then you remember you can write
   but that also means taking a risk,
     and you get going regardless
     forgetting anyone may read,
   then you just don't know what to say
   or whether to say anything at all?

Tonight's one of those nights.

The best part, though, is that if the first quarter - especially March - of 2013 is even an "okay" predictor of what's to come... You know that tomorrow's outlook is bright.

It's funny how some nights go.

<3 KSM

Small children.

I realized today that another characteristic of my perfect storyline is that it contains small children. (Well, at least when I write it.) Maybe they're a testament to the kiddos who've grown up before my eyes and those no longer close by...and the ones who claim both of those characteristics. Regardless, the little girl in this tale is fictional. She's an element of my imagination who's stuck with me through a couple years' worth of stories but who originally came to me, I think, in a dream and who I've gotten to "know" pretty well.

       "What if I call you Ella?" I asked the little curly-haired blonde cuddled up beside me. 
       "Like the movie?!" she asked, excitedly.
       "What do you mean?" I almost regretted that I had to ask, but I just wasn't sure what Daniella was talking about.
       "Ella 'Chanted, silly!" she exclaimed, as if this were the most ridiculous question she'd ever heard. I considered the response but nothing came to mind.
       "I haven't seen that one, Daniella. Is it your favorite?"
       "Yessssssss, silly. Daddy got it for me for my birthday!" Again it was clear that this was the most ridiculous conversation she had ever had. Before I knew it, the four-year-old had leapt off the couch and begun scrambling up the stairs toward her play room. I knew we were about to watch the movie, so I began looking around for the remote control, and before I could retrieve it from the end table, Daniella was running back down the stairs, her speed and excitement nearly causing her to stumble over the bunnies on her purple footie pajamas. "This one!"
       "Well I haven't seen that one. Do you want to show me?" I asked, sure I knew the response.
       "Really?! Yes! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?!"
       "Alright, we can watch before bed as long as we rest and don't bounce around," I offered. "The tray is open, so go set it in there gently."
       "Okie dokie," she said with a grin, already halfway to the DVD player. Once she had the disc set, I pressed the tray close button and waited for the disc menu to load. "You look like her," Daniella told me, pointing at Anne Hathaway's picture on the front of her Ella Enchanted DVD case.
       "Thank you, Ella," I laughed as we snuggled in for the night.

Prepare to be graced by this little girl every so often: she made the book cut.


<3 KSM

Yesterday and today.

Some of you may have noticed (I hope) that I didn't write yesterday.

I didn't know what I wanted to say, so I said nothing. That was a good and probably intelligent choice. I wish I had made the same decision on a related topic today, but I just can't keep my mouth shut sometimes. Just as I'm "slow to trust, but I'm quick to love," I'm also tough to quiet or settle down once I get worked up. This is for better and for worse.

Today I'm even less sure what to say.

Life's like that sometimes.


<3 KSM

Music and lyrics.

I've thought before about writing music.

Now let's be real: I haven't played an instrument since the fifth grade, and to say I even played then is a stretch. (Um, you'd have to practice, so...) Similarly, my voice isn't half-bad, but as much as I may love my music, I'm certainly no musician. So naturally I want to write music. Needless to say, this has never worked out.

Why, you ask?

Because for as many topics I come up with to write about here and in my other projects, I cannot come up with even one semi-original lyric. Basically I write mash-ups of my favorite songs, which isn't really going to get me anywhere.

So why do I post this?

Not sure, really. All I can say is that this post was inspired by this picture prompt (Do forgive: a girl can't just be inspired all the time...):

[ Source ]

Mostly, though, I think I write this because I'd love to be able to produce the lyrics that express what I can't say...

I'm telling you that, it's never that bad / 

Take it from someone who's been where you're at
Laid out on the floor / 

And you're not sure you can take this anymore

[[ Nickelback - Lullaby ]]

And all my walls stood tall painted blue / 

And I'll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you

[[ Taylor Swift - Everything Has Changed ]]

Yeah, I'm falling from cloud nine (it was out of the blue) /
I'm crashing from the high /
You know I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)

[[ Katy Perry - Wide Awake ]] 

Sometimes I wonder if you wonder /
What it could have been like /
When you're sitting there drinking coffee /
Are you thinking of me

[[ Carrie Underwood - Do You Think About Me ]] 

This downtown apartment sure makes me miss home /
And those bills there on the counter /
Keep telling me I'm on my own / 

...Yeah, I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be /
But don't forget to remember me

[[ Carrie Underwood - Don't Forget to Remember Me ]] 

And oh yeah... Don't judge me based on my music. Mmmkay? Thanks.


<3 KSM

The perfect book.

It's a strange concept: sitting down to write a book. The possibilities can be mind boggling, and that often leads to decision paralysis. (You PA and poli sci types know what I'm talking about.) There are just too many options, and you can't commit to any one, so you write nothing. This has happened to me on more than one occasion.

Chris Baty, founder of NaNoWriMo, offers a suggestion in that book I'm reading: plan your novel in one week, then write. The week gives a solid springboard but doesn't allow one to pre-write the book and ruin it. You brainstorm the characters, settings, some ideas...then get writing. It starts, though, by identifying what qualities make a good book. These are mine:

• For me, the perfect book has moments of panic, but everything turns out well in the end. 
• The characters are the people closest to me and those I want to know. They're hardworking, loyal friends with good moral bases. Yes, sometimes they're people in my real life. No, you can't ask me not to include you. (That's like asking Taylor Swift not to write about you after breaking up with her.) Sorry, you know me now, so you have to deal with this reality...although you probably liked me better before you knew this little tidbit, huh?!
• Usually I'm the main character, or she's highly relatable.
• There's foreshadowing, and lots of it. 
• Minor details come back, and sometimes they bite you in the butt. (As in life...) 
• Love.
• Distance.
• People save quirky mementos, like plastic spoons and take-out delivery bags. 

9 times out of 10, I'll get started with the same type of scenario, but where the characters end up tends to be the interesting part. That's the gist of the planning phase: outline characters just enough to give them personalities so they decide where their own story goes, then start writing their story. I'm all about this method: if you get too into a story before it even exists, you're looking for failure. (Been there...) All that said, I'm giving it a shot. I'm sure you'll hear much more about this later, but it starts Monday.

This leads me to wonder, though: are these the same things people want to read about?! If not, does it matter?


<3 KSM

Insomnia.

I haven't slept well these last few nights. I think it's because once you become a writer - I mean really devote yourself to it - the ideas just keep coming. It's like a manic state, wherein you just can't "calm the eff down." Part of me (um...the sleep-deprived part) wishes I could - says the girl who hates to be told to calm down.

Case in point: the other morning, after falling asleep on the couch at 8pm, then retiring to my bed around 10pm and sleeping til 8am, it was still physically difficult to get out of bed. Exhaustion had set in, and I had to get a handle on this insanely amazing, yet annoyingly uncontrollable creativity.

That was a week ago, and I still haven't quite figured out the best solution. I'm starting to not care, though: let the creativity take over. I think maybe such is the life of a writer.

Influence.

Over the past few years, I've noticed that many of the things I've loved most in life have been things that were well-loved by some of the most important people in my life.

Jeni and her poetry, way back when...

Curling, courtesy of Lynn...

Political science and government - so loved by Cathi...

Invisible Children, introduced to me by Trent...

Maybe this says that I'm easily influenced. Hard as that may be to hear, I'll accept it.

But what about writing now? Might I finally get to be that difference in someone else's life, as so many have been in mine? I hope this to be the case. It's not about the content but the dream: I want to write and publish a novel, and if that desire, drive, and (hopefully) success can inspire another to go out and achieve their dreams, then it will all be BEYOND worth it.

I've said for years that I just want to make a difference in people's lives. From my students to my friends, it's all about making a difference in somebody's world. I live for that. Now, maybe...just maybe, this new love of mine might be able to make that difference. I don't know how or when, but it's possible. Anything is possible.


<3 KSM

Thank you!

Today marks one week since I started this blog, and I just want to send a huge THANK YOU out to everyone who's stopped by, even just once!

Honest-to-God facts:

1. I didn't know if anyone would read what I had to write: I just needed a way to create "soccer practice" for my writing. 
2. I am completely flattered by the level of readership I've gotten so far. (Canada, Germany, and Greece?!?!) I do not take any of you for granted.
3. I appreciate 100% of the feedback I've received, both positive and critical. (Don't be afraid to leave it publicly in comments, either!)
4. I don't feel "locked in" one bit. I'm totally loving this. 

So for anyone who may be wondering in the back of his or her mind how long this blog will last, you may be wondering a while. Also, you may not have too long to wait if you want to be in the test audience for a book: the material just keeps on coming!

Also (and I only offer this because I've been asked), if you're at all inclined, please do share/post/RT!


With heartfelt thanks,
<3 KSM

Why I write.

Yesterday, every neuron in my brain told me that after that soul-searching post, I needed to write something with a little less "heart" today. Something with a little comic relief.

Well...I'll give you one of two.



Though not unusual for me on face, I was shocked when I pulled my latest library loaner out of my bag on the way home from work today. I say this isn't unusual because (a) it's me, and (b) time to read is one of few public transit advantages, so I do read and write on Metro pretty frequently. Anyway, this was surprising today because I've been up since 4am as the result of a disturbing dream followed by insomnia.

While I'm sure you're dying to hear about the dream, a writer's sleep issues will have to be the subject of an upcoming post because I'd rather share what I read today:

"...remember, above all else, that your novel is not a self-improvement campaign. Your novel is a spastic, jubilant hoe-down set to your favorite music, a thirty-day visit to a candy store where everything is free and nothing is fattening. When thinking about possible inclusions for your novel, always grab the guilty pleasures over the bran flakes. Write your joy, and good things will follow." (p. 88)

Okay, I'll admit it it: I'm reading a book about writing a book. Mock me if you want, but if you want to know more about a subject, what do you do? Read. I want to write, so I'm reading.

My point is this: my writing is love. I write about what I love. I write about who I love. When they say to write about what you know, I'm writing about love because I love my life, even with all its shortcomings. I write because I love it. When it really comes down to it, writing is probably a big part of what makes me neurotic, but I even love that. So yes, even when it's a spastic guilty pleasure that makes my imagination run amuck and my real life go awry (more on that and The Chapter that Changed My Life later, too)...I love it.

So that's it, really. I write as an outlet, yes, but also because I love it. As a result, a lot of heart does go into it...both for better and worse. It's for that reason that I truly appreciate those of you who have voiced an appreciation for my inane spasticity and keep coming back for more.

<3 KSM

Happy New Year!

It's a new year!

For many of us, getting a new calendar means setting resolutions - lofty goals that fall by the wayside within a matter of days or weeks.

As what I'm sure will be the first of many assertions here, let me just say that this blog is not the result of a resolution. This project is actually being started as the result of a 1 a.m. writing session during which I came across something I wrote nearly a year ago: 

04/21/2012
Not sure why, but I really just wanted to write today. Maybe it's the Newseum influence. Maybe reading Paleo Project Jenna's blog this morning, describing how she writes every day. Maybe the journal release last night. Who knows... But I wanted to. And now I want to continue. Every day.

After writing that paragraph, I went on to write for a few days. That blue, yellow, and green flowered notebook then turned into a depository for sermon notes, shopping lists, job search leads, and the occasional "burst." Yes, I said burst. You know what I'm talking about, even if you're not a writer:

burst (bɜrst) - n. - (1) the moment of brilliance when an author comes up with the perfect way to say the thought (s)he's been struggling with for a month; (2) the product of significant airport time after a trip with little alone time

Anyway... Even on the rare occasion when said bursts did follow a common theme, they were were disjointed and unedited. Still, they made up a story, albeit one that still needed to be written. That story is in the works; however, that story is not the reason for this blog.

Plain and simple, I'm starting this blog as a way to get myself to practice. I can't just wake up one day and decide to write a book. (I've tried. Recently. It didn't go well.) Just like kids taking music lessons or playing sports, I need to learn more about my craft. I need to receive feedback. (Yes, especially criticisms!) I need to become more confident in my writing and, hopefully, to hone what I hope is a talent. So here I'll practice. There's no telling what you might get: freewrites, poems, narratives, conversations...everything's free game (because it's my blog). Most days it'll be shorter than this, so I don't lose you...but even if I do, I hope you might come back the next day. I'd love your feedback, and even if not, I'll keep practicing.

So here it goes: Sit down. Type.